The (potential) Problems With “Unapologetic” Female Leadership In The New Paradigm

UNAPOLOGETIC I wrote in big capitol letters across my steno pad during a session with a young woman recently as we had distilled down her core desire to step into her feminine power without apology.  

She is ready to take up space, claim her voice, and own her place in the spotlight finally.  It felt powerful for her to claim this quality because she’s become increasingly aware that she has been playing small next to her male business partners, and was timid about asking for more financial compensation though she is offering way more value than what the percentage splits reflect.

Last night on a call with a mastermind of peers one woman claimed “unapologetic" as her new identity for 2021, and we all cheered her on.  That sounds like something we could all use more of.

Unapologetic is a big thing for women to claim because we are conditioned by our culture and society to apologize ALL the time for EVERYTHING.  We apologize before we assert an opinion.  We apologize for being too bright.  For being too loud.  For taking up space. For having a request.  This common tendency in women was highlighted powerfully in a a Pantene ad several years ago titled “Sorry not sorry”.

Most women can use more of a “Give no fucks” attitude, and we are inspired and emboldened by our female leaders who brandish this level of personal authority, self permission, and a bold “take no prisoners” level approach to their business and public image.

What I’d like to draw some awareness to today is the distinction between when this kind of energy is truly an expression of a woman’s personal power, and when it becomes distorted into an expression of the wounded masculine that is so prevalent in the paradigm which we are currently in the process of dismantling or at least redefining as new paradigm female leaders.

In the last few months I have watched high profile female leaders in the conscious entrepreneurial space fall epically from grace left and right.  

It occurs to me that the very qualities that had previously catapulted these women into the limelight and into generating million dollar businesses, are the qualities that now, if not examined and renegotiated internally, potentially catapult them into an abyss of disfavor, exile, and failure.

There are 3 women in particular whose public kerfuffles have recently caught my attention. In each case the rich, successful, white woman in question has been called forward by someone in her community or audience for being insensitive to persons of color and indigenous people, or for a lack of awareness around her privileged life, and lack of acknowledgment of the part her skin color plays in the equation.  

Being a fellow white woman and conscious entrepreneur, I am doing work on deepening my understanding of privilege, and I am also quite aware that there are vast areas that are still blind spots to me.  Last year I was quite grateful to a member of my community and a soul sister who called me forward on the use of the “slave girl” archetype in some of my course teachings. I am endeavoring to be humble when called forward into seeing these blind spots, by listening, learning, and responding graciously.  In this particular case I had an awareness as the words fell from my mouth in the classroom that there was something to acknowledge and reflect on; That a teaching I had last shared a couple years before now felt like it needed to be reexamined. The urging from my sister gave me the opportunity to put action behind that feeling, and to write a letter to my community to acknowledge how the word slave may land differently for a woman of color who may have slaves in her not so distant family tree, and to acknowledge the number of people currently in slavery on the planet at this very minute.

All white woman in the public eye should, at this point, be prepared to be publicly summoned into greater awareness.  

And this isn’t only true for white women.  Any woman who is in a role of leadership or is a public personality will at some time be questioned or called forward to examine her position.   

It is in this moment when your skill as a female leader will be tested, and publicly so.  Although uncomfortable, this is an opportunity for growth. In this situation, I personally think there is no shame in admitting where you have been blind, being genuinely apologetic, and welcoming new perspectives.  It could also be an opportunity to disagree with the accusation in the form of a dialogue and even respectful debate, as long as you are committed to really listening to and hearing the person who has approached you.

Where I have seen some unfortunate and epic failures on the parts of the women who have recently been brought to my attention is in their response and “apology”.  The most mind boggling for me being female sexuality mogul Kim Anami’s non apologetic parody of an apology video where she says that anyone who has a problem with her wearing yellow face with chopsticks in her hair singing about a kung fu vagina, simply has no sense of humor because they are ugly undersexed “orks”. She even shares a a video of these hideous creatures from the star wars movies for dramatic effect.   I was stunned to see that she could dismiss people’s objections to her use of hurtful cultural stereotypes as simply a result of not enough sex. This was just days before the murder of the asian women in the massage parlor in Atlanta.

Another woman who has come to my awareness is Rachel Hollis, who I had actually never heard of before her controversy made it’s way into my social media feed a few weeks ago. in her response video after being called “un-relatable” and “privileged” by an audience member when she talks about her housekeeper, she doubles down in a tough girl voice and says she has no desire to be relatable.  She says “Nah Sis!  What in you makes you think I want to be relatable?  Every woman I admire was not relatable.”  She lists off a number of women of color such as Harriet Tubman, Oprah Winfrey, and Malala.  She then proceeds to talk about how no one else is willing to get up at 4 am and work hard like she has which has earned her the right to her privilege.  Meanwhile not acknowledging the millions of farmers, bus drivers, nurses, and other service providers worldwide who wake at 4 am and work hard all day for meager wages.

And then there is Carolyn Elliot.  This is a woman whose book “Existential Kink” I am currently reading and whose membership program I am participating in.  After being called in to question for a social media post where she claims herself to be indigenous as a white woman, she sent out a somewhat apologetic letter which was then followed 2 days later by a  very reactive and emotional spew of a newsletter to her community saying “If you don’t like what I have to say. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.  I don’t need you or your money.”

Hmmmm.  It seems that these women's “unapologetic" demeanor may be crossing over into a territory that is so insensitive to others that it can be damaging to people who enter in to their sphere.

When does unapologetic start to merge with narcissistic behavior?  When does it become bullying? When does it become an expression of the very things we need our female leaders to help guide us away from?  Are those women who we have admired for their brash, unapologetic flair actually narcissists at their core?  Is it pure narcissism that has propelled them forward into fame and success?  And is their success a result of a system that rewards insensitivity and selfishness? These are questions which have been very present for me as of late.

I have admired Carolyn and Kim in the past for their naughty, controversial, “I give no fucks” attitude.  I have cheered them on with their trucker mouths and their courageous and risky public challenge of the status quo.  And in my opinion, they both have very valuable work to contribute the world.  I can’t speak for Rachel Hollis because I am unfamiliar with her platform and offerings.

In my estimation they are flailing right now because this unapologetic attitude and posture has been the very thing that in the old paradigm world ensured their success, but the times and rules of success are changing rapidly. 

We are on the cusp of a new era, and true new paradigm female leadership has got to reflect this shift in values and the new rules of engagement. 

This “I don’t listen to anyone else but just barrel forward with my vision, my intention and my opinion.” doesn’t fly in the new paradigm.

In the patriarchal wounded masculine paradigm this kind of leadership wins.  But the new era we are moving into requires a form of leadership that is more integrated with the energies of the feminine which are receptive, soft, fluid and flexible.  In the new paradigm it is not the time of the lone wolf, but a new world order which we are birthing that is sensitive to the collective, and  interdependent by nature.  There is an accountability to others that is inherent in this new era, because it is no longer just about you and your independent “success".

New paradigm female leadership is anchored in the principles of listening, taking in deeply, feeling through the body, and responding from the heart.  It is also embodied leadership.

In each of these women’s reactive replies to being called forward there is a distinct lack of heart present;  A lack of listening and a lack of feeling.  I detect an armored, stiff, tough as nails exterior which is operating out of defense and reactivity, as well as a kind of ‘how dare you question me” kind of authority.  These are the very things that are so wounding, detrimental, and even traumatizing about toxic leadership models of the past.  

Are these inspiring female leaders reenacting the behaviors of the oppressors who have traumatized them and us in the past?

How DO we integrate this very needed Unapologetic quality for women into healthy interdependent, new paradigm female leadership?

I think there is a guide for how to do exactly this within the framework of universal Goddess archetypes.

In the model of feminine power that I guide my students and clients through there are 3 primary facets which are based on Goddess archetypes.  The Warrior, the Sensual, and the Compassionate Goddess. 

The fiery Warrior Goddess energy is a necessary component for female leadership because she helps us to be fierce, to protect, to have courage, to face shadows, and to speak our truth straight from our guts. This fire is where we find our “unapologetic” power. This Goddess energy within us must be balanced with her 2 complimentary facets, the Sensual and the Compassionate Goddess.  

The Sensual Goddess energy is deeply receptive, joyful, and connected to our pleasure and our sexuality.  She helps us to fill our tank and is kind of like the grease in the wheels to keep us lubricated with the essence of life, and to allow us to magnetize our desires with more ease and less effort. 

The Compassionate is the heart centered goddess energy who teaches us to truly listen with our heart, be sensitive to others, and to be a channel of unconditional love.  When we activate her consciousness we activate the heart brain within us and allow her to guide us.  This is a palpable quality within a woman’s energetic field.  This is also the energy seeming most dormant in the women whose displays I described above.

I have said in the past that to activate only the first two energies of the Sensual and Warrior Goddess without the Compassionate would be to unleash some very powerful but very potentially destructive women on the planet.  The compassionate heart opening is when we take this raw feminine power and begin to channel it as pure healing unconditional love.  All 3 energies are important and needed for true empowerment. (And for the record - I work with MANY women who are expressing the wounded version of this archetypal energy by over giving, and not listening to and honoring their own needs and desires. This when a woman steps into the martyr role. It’s all about the balance of the 3)

When these 3 powers are awakened and balanced within us, we are a true embodiment of the Goddess and of new paradigm female leadership.  I believe this model is the new way.

This trifecta is invaluable as a tool for any female leader to check in with herself and determine if she is coming from a place of true power.  In any given moment you can question if you are accessing all 3 energies, and use the tools to adjust and find your balance.  This is also an embodied model that is mapped out with distinct power centers and seats of consciousness within your body.

In my new mastermind for female entrepreneurs we will be spending one month with each energy to apply her in our business and personal lives to gain mastery over our female leadership, and to find the deepest satisfaction in our personal lives as well.  As femme-preneurs our inner personal world is always being reflected in our business and leadership.

Here is the link if you are curious to learn more.

As for Kim, Carolyn and Rachel…  From the latest I’ve seen Rachel has since owned up and become apologetic.  Carolyn seems after her initial reactive see saw of apology and then non apology, to have started listening, and responding by integrating in to her community platform conversations centered on racism and privilege, and has increased the presence of indigenous and persons of color in her guest teacher roster.  And Kim?  She has dug her heels in and appears to be deleting any comments which are critical off of her website, and only allowing those who praise her without question into her Queendom.

When making a decision regarding who to work with as a mentor or guide, the qualities of listening, responding, and ownership of errors goes a long way with me.

How does this all land for you?  

I would love to hear your thoughts on the idea of being “Unapologetic”, and new paradigm female leadership.

With love,

Amanda